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Life In The Middle

How We Remember The Things We Do, Can Strengthen Or Weaken Our Relationships

About three weeks ago my husband and I went into a nature area where I could take some pictures of the approaching Summer. We happened upon a Father, maybe in his late thirties. He had his son with him. They were heading to their favorite fishing spot. I was struck how relaxed they were with each other, and the appearance that they really were enjoying being together. It was one of those perfect “Kodak Moments”a photographer prays to stumble upon. I asked if they would mind if I took some pictures of them while they were fishing. It was wonderful, because even though they knew I was taking their pictures, they remained relaxed, and I caught some pictures of what it means to build meaningful relationships within a family. This moment will be one that helps the young man understand what happiness is based upon.

You can look at life as either good or bad, as an opportunity or loss, half full or half empty. I have met both kinds of people. The guy who seems to always have a chip on his shoulder, and thinks someone is trying to weigh him down. Some other guy feels the chip on his shoulder, and looks at it as the first stone to build a fence to keep his kids safe. It’s all a matter of attitude, and how you see life.

Usually, you learn to be kind, and sensitive within the walls of your family. Home environment generally supports this, but not always. Some times an individual grows up in a home filled with arguments and cruelty, yet that individual grows into a kind, sensitive, and optimistic person.

I personally think that if you have the ability to set aside what happens to you, or is said to you; you are one step closer to being a happier person. My theory is that some people just have a better memory of the good times, while others will remember the same experience from the bad times.

Let me give you an example of this. I have a sister who is a couple of years older than me. I have wonderful memories of the good times we had when we moved across country, and settled in Oregon. These were very hard times and my sister, being one of the older kids recognized the area we lived in was not the best. She knew the frequent meals of pancakes, and the powered milk cocoa wasn’t served as “special treats,” but necessity. Our Woolworth’s sandals, and no socks in the rainy Fall weren’t on our feet to splash in the mud puddles, but were there because we couldn’t afford leather shoes and warm socks.

Years later I was sharing how wonderful it was during that time. I told her some of the experiences we had, that were among my best memories as a child. I was surprised when she shuttered and told me I was crazy. The kids at school had made fun of her, and had called her the poor little beggar. She resented that Mom and Dad had moved us from Nebraska, where our Aunts and Uncles and Cousins lived. “We didn’t HAVE to move. They just thought of themselves, and didn’t think or ask us. It was the worst two years of my life, and it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth.”

My sister remembered the bad things about that time. She heard the arguments between my parents, as they tried to find enough money to care for their five kids. She was embarrassed that Mom took in laundry. And she was isolated at school when she was told her Mom’s hands were stinky, because she had to scrub other people’s dirty underwear.

Unfortunately, often times when you think about your childhood, and growing up in your families, it isn’t the good moments that get talked about or remembered. Parents express their disappointment with how their children grow up. Children remember the arguments, and the disagreements. They remember if Mom or Dad have had a number of boyfriends or girlfriends. They remember how little time was spent with them.

My conversation with my sister is a prime example of how the same experience can be remembered completely different from the view of another sibling, or your parents. The truth is, how experiences affected you in childhood, very often impacts the relationships you have with your family as an adult. What we have to do is put the experiences we have in perspective. How important is it to you as an adult whether you didn’t get dance lessons when you were eight?

You will find more happiness and contentment with your personal life if you assess your achievements and failures based upon what you have done. In the end, remember, you are the master of your life. You want to succeed, then steer your ship into ports that make you happy. Build up your confidence. Learn to love and share, and work with others.

There are things that happen in our lives that let us carry resentment and hurt feelings, sometimes forever. FOREVER is a very long time to carry something that makes you bitter, angry, or resentful. Believe me, as time goes by, those events should become less important.

By the time you are an adult, it becomes less believable that you didn’t do well in graduate school, because your Father disciplined you when you were six. Your boss doesn’t accept a lame excuse for unacceptable performance, because your Mom didn’t appreciate you, or you were yelled at as a teenager. Your failures, in the end, are yours. The sooner you decide to enjoy carrying the things that contribute to your success and failure, the sooner you will find a bounce in your step, and a smile on your face. Believe me, this will draw more people to you, which leads to happiness.

I hope that you look back upon the experiences you had while growing up , hang on tight to the memories that built you into a better individual, and then let go of the experiences the are still festering pockets of resentment, and are being used as the crutch that has held you back in life. Remember, life is short, and before long the family you grew up in will be scattered, and then gone. What good do your bitter feelings do over the years?

Just something to think about. Until later...Colleen

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