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Life In The Middle

When Adult Children Come Home

Like many parents of young adults, we have experienced the return, at different times of grown children to our home. This really lets you know how much stamina you have. You expect your children to go off to college or get a job after highschool, then eventually get their own home, have a family, and give you some grandchildren to love and enjoy.

The image you have in your forties and fifties included travel, walks along the beach, money to buy a sporty, fun car to zip around in, and of course a healthy sex life; with or without the help of Viagra. The reality has turned into something entirely different for many Baby Boomers.

To maintain the standard of living we want, we have found that both of us are working full-time, and certainly expect to continue that trend well beyond the “Official” date of retirement. We have come to the realization that Social Security should never have been viewed as a “Retirement” account.

Adult children come home for different reasons. Some find they can’t get a job, after working hard at a top notch college, and sometimes have $100,000, or more, in student debt. When this happens, they are discouraged, anxious, and angry. Other children end up back home because they go through divorce, or unemployment. Some come home because they need to save money to get on their own.

Whatever the reason, all of you are going to discover the need to make some adjustments. I assure you it is normal for a Mother to become resentful that her home is invaded 24/7 with adult children, Grandchildren, additional clutter, and confusion.

One of the most important things you should do is set some ground rules from day one. Your children need to help around the house, do their own laundry, and be responsible for keeping their rooms clean. You certainly are not responsible for picking up after them. You are no longer their financial lending institution either.

Make sure, during this time, that you don’t sacrifice your husband wife relationship. It is easier than you think to let your children cause disagreements which can turn into arguments. Sometimes it is difficult to remove yourself from the parental role, but you should remind yourself you have already put in your time parenting. Your adult children need to make their own life decisions. You can give them advice and counsel, but in the end THEY are the ones who need to carry their own burdens.

If your adult child is doing something you strongly oppose, then you need to express your concerns, and tell them if they continue doing this, then they will need to leave your home. You are under no obligation to support an adult child. There is nothing you need to feel guilty about, and no child has the right to make you feel you’re obligated to support them.

Sometimes having an adult child live with you strengthens the relationship you have. You are able to see the way your adult child is growing, and how they have incorporated your family teachings into their own life. This can also be a time when your child gains a deeper appreciation of what you have done for them, and the sacrifices you’ve made for your family.

These are hard times for parents, who had thought their empty nest years were going to be care-free, and everyday was going to be about ME, ME, ME. The reality is we often need to extend our hand to our children to help them get on their feet. But remember, if you plan it well, the experience doesn’t mean you set aside your own life. Just something to think about. Until later...Colleen

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Copyright 2010 Leland Pulley